10 Ways Not to Get Accepted Anywhere

1. Join as many clubs as possible. Don't participate in the club meetings, organization, and don't hold any leadership positions. Show up only for lunchtime meetings and only long enough to sign your name and put your email address on the roster so you can put this on your application.

2. Don't participate in any activities outside of school - especially if you are likely to win awards or excel by participating. You should have no way of accounting for the time you spend outside of the classroom. Your schedule should be as follows: Wake up, go to school, play Xbox live until its time for bed, repeat.

3. If your school offers honors, advanced placement, or international baccalaureate classes, avoid them at all costs. Do the absolute minimum required to earn your high school degree. Take gym all four years. Take only three years of math. Home economics and shop class will also surround you with other quality students whose goal is the same as yours - not getting into college. Better yet, go get your GED and/or that job at McDonalds that can really take you places.

4. Never research schools before you apply. Apply only to several Ivy League schools even though your SAT score makes you borderline retarded. You are God's gift to the earth, and no college is going to tell you otherwise. Who cares if Harvard only accepts people with stellar grades and test scores they will look past their otherwise stringent standards for you. After you are rejected from Harvard, Yale, and Princeton, proclaim to your friends that "College admissions is just a crap shoot anyways. If it weren't for affirmative action I would have gotten in to all three."

5. Senior year is for slacking off. You should spend your time by the pool, smoking joints, or playing video games. I recommend negotiating with parents and counselors for a half day schedule. After all, you're only 17 once.

6. Forget about test scores. Whatever you do don't make any effort to prepare before test day. In fact, smoke a joint before you take the test. You are a genius, and the picture you made on that scantron sheet would make Van Gogh bow down with praise. The people who score the test will immediately realize your artistic genius and send photocopies of the scantron to the schools you apply to instead of your score.

7. Tell them about how you will solve the worlds problems in your admissions essay. Your plans to air drop twinkies on Darfur, bitch slap the Chinese president into democracy, and blow up all the terrorists are pure genius. Write one draft while stoned.

8. Choose your gym teacher for one of your recommendations. Your gym teacher knows you better than anybody. I mean, come on, the guy has seen you naked more times than he can count, and you have taken his class all four years. Now I know some of you are thinking, "He can barely write his name, much less a recommendation," but this is where it might help to think a little. If he can't write then he can't write anything bad about you - Right on! If you need another one use your dad's lawyer buddy who doesn't know anything about you. Make sure he uses paper that includes his law firms header.

9. Become a scientologist. Write an addendum explaining that your poor GPA is due to the time you spent locked in their 'purification chamber.' Getting evil spirits out of your body is much more important than going to class, and surely the admissions officers will understand. Plus, this allows you legal recourse when you aren't accepted. Sue them. Your dad's lawyer buddy will help.

10. Schedule a college visit and interview. Don't shower or shave. Ask other students where you can find a doobie loud enough for someone important to overhear. Then, sexually harass female staff members. Wink at the admissions officer during your interview and surreptitiously slide your number to her at the end of the interview. Afterwards, file a complaint about the situation claiming that she was hitting on you.